


The Nundateables

by CactusPlantPot, Wheely_Jessi



Series: Simply Can't Help Themselves [5]
Category: Call the Midwife
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Reality Show, Amnesia, Brain Damage, Canon Disabled Character, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Dating, Disability, Disabled Character, Epilepsy, F/F, First Dates, First Meetings, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, Meet-Cute, Mental Health Issues, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reality TV, Representation Matters, We also quite like puns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:59:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28452765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CactusPlantPot/pseuds/CactusPlantPot, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wheely_Jessi/pseuds/Wheely_Jessi
Summary: Modern AU. Having struggled to meet people in more conventional ways, a slightly dodgy reality show brings Patsy and Delia together on New Year’s Eve for their first date. Complete with camera crew, an infuriatingly obnoxious show runner and a nation watching on. What they’d previously thought were problematic personal issues (like OCD, childhood trauma and the after effects of a bicycle accident) turn out to be the things that make these two nurses click.This first chapter is in joint collaboration with the holiday meet-cute series. The rest is still cute, just not meet-cute.
Relationships: Delia Busby & Patsy Mount, Delia Busby/Patsy Mount
Series: Simply Can't Help Themselves [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2072544
Comments: 28
Kudos: 28





	The Nundateables

**Author's Note:**

> This all started after a discussion about representation and dating shows with shitty puns. Although writing it started as a jokey concept to vent our frustrations, we are now really invested. We hope you will be too. :)
> 
> The title is more than a pun, and will make sense eventually ;)
> 
> This is a first fic for Cactus, in collaboration with Wheels. A huge thanks goes to Mystwords for the thorough beta work on this fic. 
> 
> All feedback appreciated.

Patsy put the phone down, a smile on her face. Well that was a positive start to the afternoon; not only had the phone been answered on the fourth ring (always a good omen in her books) but Patsy had confirmed her evening plans, courtesy of “Relate-Ability”. 

Having tried for some time to get back in the dating game, Patsy felt that it was time to let someone else take the reins, so she had applied to a dating agency with a difference. This one catered to those who may ordinarily be overlooked by other agencies and they had found a match! 

Having done the ‘meet the dates’ section the week previously, now was the actual event. The date itself and the phone call to confirm this evening's schedule. 

As she wandered into the living room Patsy called her close friend Trixie. After the fifth ring, annoyingly, up popped her friend's voicemail. 

“Trix, it’s Patsy, I just wanted to let you know I did it. I’ve got a date this evening. I’ll see you and Babs tonight when I’m home and you can hear all about it!” She had noted on the calendar that Trixie and Barbara, her housemates, were supposed to be on the late shift all week but Trixie had managed to swindle finishing a few hours early to celebrate New Year's Eve together with a few friends at their shared house from 10pm (Patsy insisted on the time).

Putting the phone down, Patsy made her way to the kitchen for some water, ducking under the godforsaken tinsel strung (thankfully neatly) across the door frame. Downing the drink in eight long sips, she took a deep breath. She’d left out what was arguably the more important part of this date, a part Trixie would positively melt with excitement over. 

Patsy was going to be on TV, appearing on only the second series of what some considered a controversial reality type show, in order to find herself a girlfriend. It had really come to this after the last few years trying and failing to make relationships work, only for Patsy to end up feeling unheard and frustrated. This was a good thing, even her therapist said so.

She nodded to herself and pushed off from the kitchen side, counting her steps to the bedroom (12, another good sign) ready to get ready for aher date in a few hours' time.

In the bedroom the redhead scanned through her shirts, settling for the dark red and cream silk number she’d managed to snag on sale at Whistles. Laying that out on the bed, smoothing the creases, she selected her standard pair of black bootcut jeans and plucked her favourite ankle boots from the bottom of the wardrobe. Checking the weather on her phone, Patsy decided an undershirt and her denim jacket on top would suit the unseasonably warm winter, plus she knew she looked good so that would help with her confidence. 

Outfit sorted, Patsy set about ironing the already pristine shirt and jeans; she had thought of pushing herself, but figured with a date coming up it wouldn’t do to set her nerves on edge more than they were already. 

What would her date be like? Was she just as nervous, had she been on this before? Patsy knew nothing about her potential amount aside from that her name was Delia and she was Welsh. Would Patsy need to learn Welsh, oh God she’d have to learn _something_ at least? How involved were the production crew going to be? 

Thoughts of her evening’s date kept Patsy’s mind occupied as she got ready, dressed and left her flat; opting for Addison Lee to chauffeur her. The weather was cool enough she knew she wouldn’t overheat, and being able to count the lampposts they drove past, would give her something to focus on. 

~

The car turned the corner and, even if she hadn’t known the restaurant beforehand, it wouldn’t have been hard to miss. Patsy could see three large, shiny black vans with several people in puffer jackets milling around outside holding clipboards. Each side of the street lit up with gaudy Christmas decorations, so many in fact, that they had Patsy rolling her eyes and muttering disdainfully about the festive season as she got out of the car. 

Speeding up slightly and cursing the roadworks that forced her driver to reroute down an unfamiliar route, Patsy was a little out of breath by the time she arrived outside “L’égalité”. She approached the first crew member she found, a woman with dark features and soft eyes. 

“You must be Patience, right?” A nod in reply. “Well then come with me, we need to put you through quick hair and make up after that we can get you inside, hmm? Did you run here?! Precious, we are going to have to fix that sweaty brow!” the soft Jamaican accent elicited a firm no nonsense tone as Patsy was ushered into the side of one of the vans. 

“It’s Patsy, please. There's just been roadworks everywhere, I had the driver pull over a little way down, rather than wait at the temporary lights.”

The woman nodded in understanding. “Well Patsy, I am Lucille. I’m here to make sure you get where you need to go on time, so if there’s issues in future, take my card and give me a call hmm?” 

Patsy took the card and cringed a little at the crinkle in the corner. No time to change that now, as she was sitting in a chair, hair being brushed and a soft powder being applied to her face. Taking deep breaths and counting the numbers of bolts holding the chairs on the floor in front of her, she calmed slightly. 

“There you are! Girl, you are looking marvellous! Let’s get you inside, your date is waiting!” 

Following Lucille through the front door, Patsy tried to keep up with what was being said. 

“So Delia is at the table, if you could just walk through following the markings taped to the floor. I made sure there were exactly 20 markings, feel free to count them as you go.” At Patsy’s shocked look, Lucille continued. “As your handler, so to speak, I was briefed on how best to keep you comfortable, and I’ve worked as many even numbers into things, as I can. We’ll look after you Patsy.” The soft eyes crinkled.

“Thank you Lucille.” Patsy returned the warm smile. “So I just follow the dashes and then, just…it’s a normal date?”

“Yes precious, the camera crew are outside keeping an eye on the remote cameras near you. We’ve tried to be as minimally invasive as possible. Just go out there, enjoy your time with Delia like it’s any other date.” Lucile gently turned Patsy in the direction of the tables. “If there are any issues, or you feel stressed or anxious at any time let us know, and we can stop everything.” 

Patsy nodded and pushed through the double doors, glancing down she saw there was indeed a trail of small black strips of electrical tape on the hardwood floor. As she got to marker 12 feeling sufficiently calm, she looked up and almost forgot her count. 

At the table ahead, against the wall out of the way of the hustle and bustle of the rest of the restaurant was possibly the most beautiful brunette she’d ever seen. 

“Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen…” Patsy muttered under her breath as she glanced down over the next few steps. 

Looking back up pale blue eyes met a warm azure gaze, a small smile playing on cupid’s bow lips as her date took her in. Taking the opportunity as she’d reached the table, Patsy let her gaze wander, over thick brown hair flowing neatly down the woman’s back, to the cobalt blue dress showing off muscular arms that had Patsy’s mouth watering. 

_Always a thing for arms._

“Hello, I’m Delia.” The brunette stood and held out a hand, soft Welsh tones making Patsy’s heart beat faster as she noticed that Delia probably only came up to her chin in height. 

“Hi, I’m Patsy.” As she took a seat opposite her date, Patsy couldn’t look away from those eyes. Sparkling with warmth, slight reservation and something else she couldn’t quite put her finger on. 

“So, Patsy, what’s a woman like you doing in a place like this, eh?” Oh that smirk. That smirk would be the end of her, the taller woman thought. 

Patsy smiled, glanced briefly at the cameras and focused on Delia. This was going to be good. 

~

As the evening grew darker, the two women had moved comfortably through conversation as they ate and were now waiting on their desserts. A millionaire’s cheesecake for Delia and a crème brûlée for Patsy. 

"I'm sorry, Delia. What did you say?" Patsy glanced back up, realising she had done it again. Damn it.

Delia quirked an eyebrow, glancing from the newly straightened cutlery to the guilty blue eyes, a small turn of the lips indicating she knew what Patsy had been doing. 

"I asked how was your journey here?"

“It was all right, it wasn't too long of a journey but the driver insisted on Christmas songs and we had had to divert down a road I wasn't familiar with at all!” 

“Roadworks in London, how dare they!” Delia sat up a bit straighter, taking a sip of her elderflower mocktail before continuing. “Now that is a rare thing driving, I usually get the tube everywhere! Of course, then you’d miss out on the best kind of music there is!” So, her date was a Christmas person, Patsy thought, she could get on board with this, perhaps. 

Patsy smiled tightly as she took an answering sip of her wine, the slight frown on the brunette’s face showed that Delia had picked up on the subtle change in demeanour. “I much prefer to walk as many places as I can, otherwise I'll get a car. The fresh air, the sights... I’m a fan of the city and don’t want to miss out by being, um, by being elsewhere.” She sighed, eager to change the subject. “Today’s journey was frustrating, the gas men had dug up half the route, meaning I was in the car longer than I'd have liked, with far more Wham! than I would like as well, honestly it was an assault on the senses! Christmas is finished now surely!” 

“Nothing wrong with a few Christmas classics Patsy. Were different routes really so bad?!” Delia asked, as their desserts were placed in front of them, followed by a chorus of “thank yous”.

“Well I...just like to contr-” Patsy coughed. “I just like knowing ahead of time where I'm going. Maybe it's a superstitious thing! No ladders, no black cats, no roadworks, you know how it is!” Patsy needed to stop rambling and change the subject. “Do you have any superstitions? Do you believe in some other force out there, working its magic behind the scenes?” she asked as she dug into her dessert. 

_Gosh this was good._

“To be honest Pats, I don’t believe in much at all! Mam is _very_ religious, church every Sunday like clockwork. I try to escape it when I visit but…well, she’s very insistent when she wants something! My Tad says we’re alike in that way.” Delia winked, taking a bite of her cheesecake, and the softest moan escaped. 

Patsy blushed, not only was this woman gorgeous to look at and wonderful to talk to, Delia was obviously a flirt, and made the most devilish sounds as she ate her dessert. Sounds that were starting to make Patsy’s neck go almost as red as her hair. 

“Oh when was the last time you were home then? Have you told your mother to keep an eye out on Channel 4?”

“Oh goodness no!” Delia laughed. “Mam thinks I’m busy working away as a nursing student, focusing on my training and definitely not going on any dates! She doesn’t even know I’m here, she thinks I'm visiting my Aunt Blod for Christmas!” Patsy watched as the Welshwoman explained her mother’s aversion to reality shows and insistence that Delia settle down with a nice lad, rolling her eyes appropriately and giggling at her date’s impressions of her staunch Christian upbringing. “No, there’s no chance she will be finding out about this. I’ve enjoyed myself more tonight than I have in a long time, cameras aside, and I don’t think I’d ever get that with any of the dates she’d set me up on!” Delia smiled warmly at Patsy, her blue eyes a darker shade in the low lighting.

The bill was set down on the table and Delia quickly went about unwrapping the after dinner mint, Patsy opting to slip hers into the top pocket of her shirt, thinking of her housemate Barbara’s sweet tooth. 

“Oh, no, I agree it’s been most wonderful. To be honest Delia, I thought I might regret this, what with it being so _public_ , but I’ve had an absolutely lovely time…” Patsy trailed off as she glanced back up from buttoning her pocket. 

She noticed the blue eyes opposite her own start to wander, losing the sparkle that had been there all evening, the mint still held in the fingers of Delia’s right hand, uneaten. The “person on a date” in her was briefly hurt, but then there was a dull thump as Delia’s left hand hit the underside of their table.

“Shit,” Patsy swore loudly as she fumbled for her fob watch clipped to the belt loop of her jeans. 

She felt simultaneously panicky and protective, and hoped somehow the word would mean the footage was unusable. If not, she figured she had plenty of others which might work. As she counted the seconds going by, Patsy became aware that some of the crew had clocked there was an issue, and were approaching. That made her professional persona kick in fully.

“Back off,” she cautioned, keeping her eyes trained on the second hand as it sped around the face of her watch. “The last thing Delia needs is crowding.” 

To their credit, they seemed to listen, and she was begrudgingly grateful. Almost as suddenly as the seizure started, Delia began to come to. 

“Welcome back,” Patsy heard herself whisper, cringing at the phrasing.

Delia stared into space for a moment. Patsy wondered if another seizure might be imminent.

“Oh God I’m so sorry. Did I go?” The younger woman groaned as she looked up, and Patsy realised the expression on her date’s face was horror or mortification. 

Patsy nodded, startled by a sudden impulse to reach over and take her hand - but instead distracted herself with a joke. “It’s quite all right, girls go glassy-eyed over me _all the time_.”

Delia snorted, and the fact that that was her only response made Patsy’s gut twinge with fear.

“I’m sorry - that was completely inappropriate, I -” 

Her rambling was cut off by Delia tutting. “No, no, cariad. It’s nice to know that you check the Good Sense of Humour box,” she said, and the grin she flashed Patsy suggested she meant it. Then, though, Delia’s smile vanished, as her eyes drifted down to her own hand. Patsy followed her gaze, and they both registered the mess of the melted chocolate at the same time. “Oh dear.”

“Oh dear indeed,” Patsy agreed. “Sorry about your mint, old thing. That kicked you like a mule, didn’t it? Lucky I have some wet wipes with me at all times, eh?” She chuckled, then got self-conscious about what the information might reveal, and added, “I volunteer as a Cubs leader, so I take the motto, ‘Be Prepared’, to heart.” 

She paused, debating whether to say she was also a nurse, but decided against it for the moment when she realised the Welshwoman was watching her expectantly. “Would you like one?” Delia gave her a shaky thumbs up with her left hand, clearly still embarrassed, so she whipped the pack of wet wipes from her backpack as quickly as she could, then offered with a raised eyebrow to help with cleanup. “May I?”

Delia smiled ever so slightly and managed to reply, “Please.”

Satisfied that counted as consent, Patsy cradled the Welshwoman’s right hand gently in her left, using her right to rub softly yet firmly with the wet wipe and remove as much as she could of the chocolate. Tutting, she commented, “There’s even some under your fingernails. That’s just cruel.”

Delia laughed, and apparently felt confident enough for full sentences again. “I’ll give them an extra good scrub tonight.” She paused, and Patsy wondered briefly if she should mention that there was a travel wash bag in her backpack as well. Deciding on balance that Delia probably felt too exposed, she instead stayed quiet until the very last smudge had disappeared from the smaller woman’s skin (and trying not to fixate on how soft and warm her palm felt). She wasn’t sure if she was relieved or disappointed when Delia broke what she’d almost call the companionable silence that had fallen between them. “Thank you. You really are lovely. I feel so awful that you’ve had to help like this, though. Not much of a first impression.” 

Patsy responded by taking Delia’s (now spotless!) hand in less practical manner, and covering it with both of hers. “I’m happy I was here with you and you weren’t on the tube. You did go, for about 15 seconds.” She smiled in what she hoped would be taken as kind reassurance. “I’m just glad you’re back. Do you feel okay?”

Delia glanced up at the two crew members hovering in the background (Lucille being one of them, Patsy noted with a small smile in her direction). 

“I am okay, yes.” Delia nodded, then clearly regretted the movement, so Patsy gave her hand a quick squeeze for grounding. It seemed to be appreciated, because the brunette grinned at her. Then, though, she looked confused. “Wait - did you time it? How did you know what to...”

Patsy grinned in return, and felt herself blushing. “Oh - I’m a nurse,” she explained at last, pointing to her fob watch for evidence, and to shift the focus from her face.

"Well would you look at that cariad, those people at the agency really were on the money matching up a pair of nurses. Well, almost, for me at least!" 

Patsy smiled, "They certainly were. I suppose it's good we didn't share this much earlier - I probably would have bored you silly. I'm afraid once I start on about my work I find it hard to stop!" 

"Patsy I would love to hear about your work and not just for the shared knowledge." Delia replied with a wink. "However, as much as it pains me to say it, I think it might be time for me to head home.” Patsy’s hand got an apologetic squeeze.

As they made to get up Lucille came towards them, finger to her ear and nodded her head a few times. “Delia, are you okay, we have medics on staff to check you over?” With a shake of Delia’s head in response, Lucille continued. “In that case, we have plenty of footage so far. How are you both getting home? I am happy to provide a car for you both. My boss thinks that would make excellent closing footage if you’re agreeable?” She looked back towards one of the vans, next to which stood a rather haughty looking woman. She stared them down with a face so stern you wouldn’t think she ran a show where people looked for love. 

Looking to each other, unsure who would speak first, Delia and Patsy both shrugged. 

“I suppose a car would be worthwhile for me, the sooner I’m home the sooner, I can put my feet up and rest.” The Welsh lilt was stronger as Delia appeared to sag a little. She sounded a bit regretful. 

“I am content to wait for my lift here Lucille, the night is still young, it’ll be fine. Delia can take this car herself.” She squeezed Delia’s hand. “Would it be all right if I gave you my number? I’d like to know you got home okay?”

With a nod, Delia took her phone from her bag and handed it to Patsy. With her number now programmed in, they followed Lucille to a nearby car, and she felt the brunette start to lean against her as they walked.

"Patsy…" Delia stopped halfway to the waiting car. "Thank you again for tonight. You've been so wonderful." Patsy blushed as she faced Delia, noticing they still held hands. 

"I'd like to say thank you properly, if that's okay? Right here…" Delia’s free hand reached up slowly and after a pause gently caressed the taller woman's cheek. Patsy nodded silently, blushing, as Delia stretched up on tiptoes. She appreciated being given time to pull back (if she wanted, which she didn’t) before soft lips pressed her cheek.

"Happy New Year Patsy," Delia whispered. 

To think Patsy had been holding back her blushes before, it came back with a vengeance now. A tired smile reached the blue eyes of the brunette in front of her. 

"Happy New Year Delia." With a squeeze of the hand in hers, she turned them back towards the car. Holding the door open as she spoke further, she tapped her fingers against the handle to ease her anxiety, and took a deep breath. “I had a wonderful time tonight and if you’re agreeable I would quite like to see you again.” Fist clenching behind her back, Patsy felt a cold sweat at the base of her spine. She had had such a lovely date with Delia, but she couldn’t be _certain_ she wouldn’t be rejected, what was a kiss on the cheek anyway? Opening and clenching her fist, Patsy felt her stomach twist, as she looked at the ground between her feet and the car door. 

Of course Delia wouldn’t want to see you again, Patsy told herself, you were far too intense after the episode in the restaurant, you probably talked about yourself far too much and _of course_ Delia’s read through your avoidance enough to want to avoid _you!_ You couldn’t just be normal could you, Patience, she'll think you're weird straightening all that cutlery rather than talking to her, so you’ll just have to face it, you’ll be alone forev-

“I’d love to, please don't doubt that cariad.” Tired eyes met hers as Patsy looked up in shock. “I’ll send you a message when I get home Patsy, but I would like to see you again.”

“Oh I…okay. Yes. I would like that.” Patsy smiled widely. “Safe journey.” She closed the door and watched as the car pulled away. 

Patsy turned to Lucille, who was standing a little way away, smiling too. 

“I look forward to seeing more of you two cuties, now enjoy your ride home. I’ve checked and the roadworks have been cleared away now.” Lucille turned back to the restaurant with a wave.

Patsy smiled to herself and, as she checked the journey of her lift on the app, she saw there was another message waiting from an unknown number: 

‘ _You really are a sort of angel, Patsy’_

Well, she thought, that was a turn up for the books. Not only had Delia _voluntarily_ texted her mere seconds after leaving their date but, having not yet discussed Patsy’s need for even numbers, Delia had used _precisely_ eight words. 

Oh, and what wonderful words they were. Wow. Maybe this new year wouldn’t be so bad, after all.


End file.
